you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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