My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
