Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I would fuck him just for his dog
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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