think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
