i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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