Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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