I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
