Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
