Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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