You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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