I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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