I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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