saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
