Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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