if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
