you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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