i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
