and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
