My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I want to be your penis for a week.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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