Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
