The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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