if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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