I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
