i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
