you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
