I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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