So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
