Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize