the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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