Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
