Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize