The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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