They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize