we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
