discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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