i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
