Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
