Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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