worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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