Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
