I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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