On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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