I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
