I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
