probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
