Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
