he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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