I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
