i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
