I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
