Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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