he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
